My Story with Burnout
My passion for helping people recover from burnout is deeply rooted in my own experience with burnout.
My first big girl job was a secretary position in an IT department. Which manifested into a software engineering role. With no formal training, the imposter syndrome was hot.
I’d been indoctrinated since childhood that success was hard work and sacrifice. That in order to succeed in life, I had to push through and figure it out.
I started coming in an hour earlier and leaving an hour later until one day I spent more time in the office than anywhere else. I believed people who worked hard and long hours were noticed and promoted.
Since I was taught that a college degree was another key to the door of success, I worked even harder by enrolling myself in college. Full time. Anything less was unacceptable.
I never allowed myself downtime. Any free moment was a moment dedicated to study and furthering myself.
I felt trapped and miserable. Absolutely miserable.
I didn’t take care of myself. I barely slept. My weight ballooned. I was prone to meltdowns and temper tantrums.
I may have looked successful to everyone watching, but I felt like a failure at every turn.
While all this was going on, I had a whole other work load at home.
I married very young, mostly because I felt that it was expected of me and that somehow being married would make me more respectable. There’s a lot to unpack in here that I’ll save for another day.
I did most of the cooking and cleaning. I managed the social calendar and the finances. For most of it, I was the only wage-earner. I was a super-woman.
It was not a happy marriage.
There was a lot of gaslighting and manipulation. I was never enough or I was too much.
I tried to walk away many times.
But I didn’t feel safe enough to do so. I believed I was “lucky” to have someone who loved me enough to put up with me.
One time he said that divorce was a type of failure.
And I didn’t want to be a failure.
So I worked harder.
As an overachiever, I approached my relationship exactly like my work: I felt it was up to me to fix the problem to make the relationship function. I studied non-violent communication. I started a daily gratitude practice. I consumed everything written about positive thinking. I tried therapy but I was discouraged from continuing.
On the outside, I was goofy and playful and awkward. I laughed with friends and tried to make time for everyone. If someone needed help, I was usually the first to volunteer.
Inside, I felt afraid, tired, hopeless.
I didn’t know how to be happy. And eventually my thoughts turned to running away.
Taking responsibility for all the emotional labor in my relationship left me depleted and listless.
All that self-improvement work led to me leaving a toxic relationship. A little while after that, I left my corporate job and started working for myself.
While I felt more confident about myself, I hadn’t really learned boundaries. I still believed my value came from my achievements. I also didn’t understand yet that I had become a workaholic.
I hustled, worked every hour of the day, made more professional connections, volunteered for tech events, even tried to start a non-profit. I said “Yes” to everything.
One of my contracts offered me a full-time job. I thought I desired autonomy, but I actually valued the perception of security.
Saying yes to that job meant for the next few years I rarely had a full night’s sleep. I rarely could leave the house without taking work with me. I didn’t take a vacation for years.
My nervous system was so frazzled that when I did have free time, I used it to numb the overwhelm.
I watched too much TV. I drank too much alcohol. So much that I typically spent my weekends recovering from Friday night…while also working.
Then something snapped.
Years of ignoring my body’s red flags culminated into endless months of relentless sobbing, difficulty remembering things, and constantly overreacting to benign events. Everything felt like an assault on my nerves.
I felt like I was spinning out of control.
I felt trapped.
I felt lost.
I wanted it to end and I needed space to get grips on how to heal.
I fantasized about running away and disappearing to the ends of the earth CONSTANTLY.
I knew something had to change.
I was severely burned out.
I snapped during a pivotal transition during a buyout. I was one of the fortunate few who were absorbed by the new company.
Deep in my burnout, I had no motivation towards my work. I tended to procrastinate until the last minute before churning out a project in an all-night flurry.
I constantly snapped at my partner who didn’t possess any of the skills in managing this new, depleted, dysfunctional me.
The things I once enjoyed no longer brought me any relief.
I knew something had to change. But the only way I knew how to get out of a situation I didn’t like was to introduce more work into my life.
I signed up for half a dozen programs. Business school. Health coaching. Foraging school. Yoga teacher training. New age self-improvement courses. An actual graduate program in psychology! Some of these courses I completed. Many others I bought and forgot.
I never had a vision of where I wanted to go. Not a true vision anyway. I only knew what I wanted to escape from..
All I knew how to do was too much of everything.
And ***FINALLY*** the Universe gave me the VERY thing I begged for…
I got laid off from my super secure corporate job.
With no plan for what was next.
I tried to mask the pain I experienced. My heart may have been in the right place, but my efforts only compounded my spiral.
You see, I tried to fix the problem by applying the same logic that put me in that place to begin with.
After I lost my job, I had a couple of months of breathing room while I looked for the next.
I focused on yoga teacher training and completed my 200 hour program! Diving deep into practice, I became reacquainted with breathwork, meditation, and movement that helped me start to soothe my battered nervous system.
I accepted a job offer, yet I dreaded going back to do more of the same. I yearned for more time with quiet practice.
Then the pandemic hit. My start date got delayed while everyone figured out what to do next.
Limited social commitments allowed me to take several steps back and really evaluate the activities and relationships that filled my cup.
I reconnected more deeply with breathwork and yoga.
I made space to get outside every day to either play in my garden or go out on a hike or foraging adventure.
I nourished my nervous system and said “no” to almost everything in favor of space and rest.
I felt less FOMO because feeling nourished and well-rested felt more important than saying “Yes” to everything.
I missed my friends and the social activities we did together, but I knew I needed to heal ME on a deeper level before I could show up for anyone else.
I started to feel more confident, experienced fewer panic attacks, and reacted to stressors with more ease and grace.
I began to understand how I needed to prioritize doing the things that made me feel better so that I could be better out in the world.
That it was important to start my day with something that nourished my body and my mind before diving into anything else.
I gave more attention to celebrating things I did well rather than focus on the things I didn’t like or couldn’t change.
Now I’m better able to listen to and understand my body’s signals and needs. I rest when I need rest and I (mostly) don’t feel guilt or shame about it. I let go of achieving perfection and focus on the joy in what I do. I finally feel like I’m back in control of my life.
But I’m always a work in progress, and I’ve set up support systems when I need a little extra help.
It took me years to breakdown and more years still to even begin healing.
After years of suffering from burnout with no relief in sight, I finally uncovered the magical tools that helped me TRULY begin the healing process.
As I came out the other side, I knew I wanted to help others heal. I don’t want it to have to take years for you.
My work is the synthesis of the best practices and techniques that I learned over years of burnout recovery.
And so, The Burnout Fairy was born! (That’s me!)
Healing from burnout will take effort but it IS possible.
Does any part of my story resonate with you? Let me know in the comments or reach out to me via my contact page. If you’ve already burned the candle at both ends and know you need support NOW, click here to book a call with me.
